Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 11

Committed Romantic Relationships

Key Concepts:

Agape

Commitment 

Dyadic breakdown

Dyadic phase

Environmental spoiling 

Equity

Eros

Explorational communication

Grave dressing

Intensifying communication 

Intimacy

Intrapsychic phase

Invitational communication 

Ludus

Mania

Navigating

Passion

Placemaking

Pragma

Psychological responsibililty

Relational culture

Revising communication 

Social phase

Social support

Storge 

This instructor wrap-up is going to be a bit different this week.  In the spirit of self-disclosure, I'm going to give you a little information about my husband and I.  I should note here, that I do not generally talk much about my husband in my online classes.  However, he does come up quite often in my lectures when I teach face-to-face classes due to the nature of his personality.  My husband is an incredibly unique individual with some interesting communication patterns, interests and hobbies.  Having said that, here's a brief story about how we met.

Shawn and I have been together for over 10 years, but we've known each other for almost 15 years.  It was a Sunday afternoon immediately following a church service one of my best friends and I had attended.  We were getting established in a new church in San Jose after having been away at college, and we were getting to know the folks in the college group.  The college group, as a whole, were going out to In-N-Out Burger on Blossom Hill and Santa Teresa for lunch, and we were invited to go.  As two 21 year old women, we decided it would be great to get to know some people our age, and decided to stop by to say hi.  We were a little late showing up because we had some other business to attend to prior to lunch.  We walked over from the church to In-N-Out Burger, and while walking up we spotted a few new people we hadn't previously met sitting at the table with some folks from the college group.  Everyone introduced themselves, and when Shawn turned around to say hi, my friend Vanessa and I gave each other a look.  Nothing notable happened until we were walking away.  Being two ladies in our early 20's, of course we sized up everyone we had met that day.  Vanessa mentioned that Shawn was cute, and 'just my type'.  At that time my response was, "yeah, he's cute but I would never date him because he's too young for me".  I was 21 and he was 18 at the time.

Fast forward a week or two later.  Shawn was having a college group get-together at his grandparents house complete with a BBQ, pool and hot tub party.  To make a long story short, we spent quite a few hours getting to know people at the party, socializing and having a great time.  My friend Vanessa and I ended up spending a number of hours getting to know Shawn while he was hanging out in the hot tub (of course we were far too cool to have brought our bathing suits, so we sat at the edge).  To this day Shawn will tell you that "we tried to kill him by keeping him in the hot tub for so long".  But this was the beginning of a long friendship.  

Shawn and I stayed friends for about 3 years before we started dating.  In fact, we had absolutely no interest in one another as anything other than friends.  Well, that is until one day we started to see each other in a different light.  It happened at exactly the same time for both of us, where we were no longer interested in just a friendship, but something more.  We officially started dating in early 2002, and have been together ever since.  I won't bore you with all of the details about dating, engagement, and our wedding, but I will say that we've had an amazing relationship so far.  From the start, our relationship has fit like a glove.  I would venture to guess, because we had been friends for so long before we ever started dating, is the reason why our relationship felt so natural. Shawn and I are truly best friends, and can't imagine living our lives apart from one another.  

If you want to read about other relationships that exemplify some of the concepts in this chapter, go HERE.

Thanks for letting me do the instructor wrap-up a little differently this week.  I figured since you have the ability to read the chapter, this might be more of an interesting way to wrap-up this week's reading.  

Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 10

Friendships in Our Lives

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive."

Anais Nin

Key Concepts in this Chapter:

Friends of the Heart

Friends of the Road

Internal Tensions

Relationship Rules

Pg. 253
For most of us, friends are important.  Friends help us pass time, figure out problems, grow personally, celebrate moments of joy, and get through hard times.  Across differences in race, gender, class, and sexual orientation, most of us expect to provide intimacy, acceptance, trust, practical assistance, and support.  These are common threads in diverse friendships.  However, people differ in how they express trust, intimacy, acceptance, and support in friendship.
     In this chapter, we explore what friendships are, how they work, and how they differ among people.  To launch our discussion, we identify common features of friendship and then point out variations across cultures and social communities.  Second, we explore the typical developmental path of friendships and some of the common rules for friendships.  Next, we consider pressures on friendships and how we can deal with them.  Guidelines for effective communication between friends conclude the chapter.

..................................

Continue down the page a bit where the chapter begins under "The Nature of Friendship".  The first couple of lines state:

"Friendship is a unique relationship.  Unlike most relationships, friendship is voluntary." (emphasis mine)  Some folks feel like they are 'stuck' in friendships, when in reality, friendships are voluntary.

Page 254 explains the idea of emotional closeness.  It explains that sex and gender influence HOW we experience closeness.  There are a couple of ideas here:  1). Closeness through dialogue, and 2). Closeness through doing.

When the book talks about closeness through dialogue, it refers to communities which emphasize talk as a primary path to intimacy.  (Feminine socialization)

The book also covers the idea of closeness through doing.  "Closeness through doing often is the primary, but not the only, emphasis in men's friendships." (Masculine socialization)

Personal Note:  When my husband and I get together with either his brother and wife, or my sister and husband, guess what we do?  My sister (or sister-in-law) sit around and chat, go shopping and chat, grab coffee and chat.......do we see a pattern here?  The guys go 'do' something, as they are generally not content to sit around and chat with us.

A little glimpse into my house when we have family/friends over for a BBQ or for dinner will show that everyone arrives around the same time, and congregate in the living room.  Most of us take a seat, and chat for a little while over some snacks.  Then, most of the time what happens is the guys will gather around the BBQ (doing), while the ladies stay inside and chat and/or prepare food inside the house as we continue to carry on our conversations (dialogue).  I tend to call it "worshiping the BBQ", but really, it's male bonding time as they cook.  They talk about technique, recall other times we have BBQ'd, and socialize by doing.  Whereas the ladies stay inside the house and talk about many other things, rarely talking about food prep. We engage in dialogue. 

The Development of Friendship (starts on pg. 260)
The majority of friendships work through a set of stages.  These stages are:
1). Role-Limited Interaction.  Friendships begin with an initial encounter, either planned or accidental.
2). Friendly Relations occur when we spend time checking out whether we could develop a more lasting relationship with this person.
3). In the third stage, we work toward creating a longer-term friendship by starting to disclose our feelings, attitudes, values, thoughts, and interests. Moving toward friendship.
4). Nascent friendship is when we being to think of ourselves as friends and to work out our own rules for the relationship.
5). When we are in the stabilized friendship stage, we have determined that this relationship will continue, take future encounters for granted, and work at creating a high level of trust.  Relationship rules are unspoken understandings that regulate how people interact.
6). When one or both people stop investing in the relationship, get pulled in different directions by family or career demands, or violate trust or a rule, the friendship can begin to wane; communication can become defensive if it exists at all.  Waning Friendship.

The chapter also covers the idea of "Pressures on Friendships" which is quite interesting.  I won't discuss these ideas in this post, but I'm convinced that you'll find this section very interesting.  Don't skip reading it.  You'll probably find yourself nodding your head in agreement quite a bit through this section.

I DO want to focus on a short section at the end of the chapter titled "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" (pg. 270-271).  Starting on page 268 is a section called "Guidelines for Communication between Friends", and is incredibly useful!  There are four specific guidelines for enhancing communication in friendships, one of them being the idea of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff".

Pg. 270 - "The 18th century writer Samuel Johnson once remarked that most friendships die not because of major violations and problems but because of small slights and irritations that slowly destroy closeness."

This statement is so, so true!  Is it not?  It's not the big things that take down a friendship, rather it's the small things.  The same can be said for relationships other than friendships.  What about marriages, sibling relationships, professional relationships, etc....?

What a fabulous chapter!!!  I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have.

Reminder:  Check out the links I posted to the "Useful Links" page at the top of my blog.  I just finished updating links for chapter 10.

The Blogging Prof.

Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 8

Communication Climate:  The Foundation of Personal Relationships

"In a full heart there is no room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing."

Antonio Porchia

Key Concepts in this Chapter:

Assertion

Commitment

Ethnocentrism

Interpersonal Climate

Investment

Relational Dialectics

Self-Disclosure

Trust

What a great chapter, wouldn't you agree?  I'm sure you have learned some of these principles in other classes, however, evaluating your own interactions with other people can really solidify these concepts.  In the second discussion question this week, I've asked you the following question:

"Think of an interaction in which you felt disconfirmed or defensive.  Describe how others in the situation communicated toward you.  How many of Gibb's defensiveness-producing communication behaviors can you identify as present in the situation?"

"Communication researcher Jack Gibb studied the relationship between communication and communication climates.  He began by noting that with some people we feel disconfirmed and on guard, so we are unlikely to communication openly with them.  Gibb called these defensive climates.  Gibb also noted that with other people we feel supported and confirmed, so we are likely to communicate freely with them.  Gibb called these supportive climates.  Even in the healthiest and most supportive relationships, there are usually some defensive moments and some situations in which we don't feel comfortable.  Yet, in most satisfying relationships, the overall climate is generally supportive and confirming.

Gibb believed that the different communication climates result largely from communication that promotes feeling defensive for feeling supportive.  Gibb identified six types of communication that promote defensive climates and six opposite types of communication that foster supportive climates, as show in Table 8.3." (Wood, 2010, p. 207).

Table 8.3 shows Communication and Climate

Defensive Communication  /   Supportive Communication 

Evaluation                          /   Description 

Certainty                            /   Provisionalism

Strategy                             /   Spontaneity

Control                              /   Problem orientation

Neutrality                           /   Empathy

Superiority                         /   Equality

 You can read more about the different types of Defensive and Supportive Communication beginning on page 207, and ending on page 210.

There are many other aspects of this chapter which are useful to you in your personal relationships.  When you read through the chapter (not just this chapter, but all chapters in this book), try to think of situations where you have encountered some of these ideas.  Bringing theory and practice together will really help you to understand concepts, and ultimately retain the ideas we cover in this class.

Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 6

Mindful Listening

"One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears - by listening to them."

Dean Rusk

Key Concepts in this chapter:

ambushing

defensive listening

hearing

listening

listening for information

listening for pleasure

listening to support others

literal listening

mindfulness

minimal encouragers

monopolizing

paraphrasing

prejudgement

preoccupation

pseudolistening

remembering

responding

selective listening

Pg. 147 starts out by explaining The Listening Process.  The process of listening is a mult-sitep process:

Being Mindful

Physically Receiving Messages

Selecting and Organizing Information

Interpreting Communication 

Responding

Remembering

There is quite a bit more to listening than simply 'hearing' something, as the text mentions.  'Hearing' is a physiological process, while 'listening' is an active and complex process that involves our ears, minds, and hearts.

Also on this page the author mentions the idea of mindfulness.  "Mindfulness is being fully present in the moment", or what is called 'wide awakeness'.  Engaging in mindfulness is a choice, plain and simple.  When someone senses that they are being listened to in a mindful way, they tend to elaborate on their ideas and express themselves in more depth.  And isn't that what we want for the folks who we 'listen' to?

Pg. 148 covers the second step in the process:  Physically Receiving Messages.  This section covers ideas of the physiological reaction when receiving a message, listening impairments, and gender and listening.  We will camp in the gender section for a minute or two:  Isn't interesting that women and men tend to differ in their listening habits?  "Men tend to focus their hearing on specific content aspects of communication, whereas women generally are more likely to attend to the whole of communication, noticing details, tangents, and relationship-level meanings".

The third step as outlined by your text is Selecting and Organizing Material.  This discussion starts on page 148 and continues to pg. 149.  Folks have a tendency to selectively attend to some messages and elements in their environment.  This means that there are many factors that go into selective attention:  interests, cognitive structures, expectations and culture.  Once we select what we are going to focus on, we then organize the stimuli.

The fourth step is Interpreting Communication.  Your book says it best on pg. 149:  "The most important principle for effective interpretation is to be person-centered.  To be centered on the particular individual to whom you are listening, you engage in dual perspective so that you interpret others on their terms."

Responding is the next step.  This simply means communicating your attention and interest in what the other person is saying. Signs of responsiveness are: eye contact, nodding, attentive posture, and questions/comments.

The final aspect of the listening process is Remembering.  Remembering is the act of retaining what you have heard.  An interesting statistic on pg. 150:  "...we remember less than half of a message immediately after we hear it.  As time goes by, retention decreases further; we recall only about 35% of a message 8 hours after hearing it."

External and Internal Obstacles to Mindful Listening pg. 151-155
There are a number of both external and internal barriers to mindful listening.  External obstacles are:
Message Overload
Message Complexity
Noise

Internal Obstacles are:
Preoccupation
Prejudgment
Reacting to Emotionally Loaded Language
Lack of Effort
Failure to Adapt Listening Styles

Forms of Nonlistening are covered next starting on pg. 156.  In the previous section we discussed obstacles to mindful listening.  This is vastly different than nonlistening.  Nonlistening means that a person is simply not engaging in real listening.   There are six types:
Pseudolistening
Monopolizing
Selective Listening
Defensive Listening
Ambushing
Literal Listening

How many of these do you engage in?  This section directly relates to one of our discussion questions this week, so I will leave it up to you to discuss.

Adapting Listening to Communication Goals
This section is quite important.  Can you guess why?

There are a number of Communication Goals listed in your book starting on pg. 160:
Listening for Pleasure - Be mindful, control distractions and intereferences
Listening for Information - Be Mindful, Ask Questions, Control Obstacles, Use Aids to Recall, Organize Information
Listening to Support Others - Be Mindful, Be Careful of Expressing Judgments, Understand the Other Person's Perspective, Paraphrasing, Express Support

Do you notice a pattern here?  That's right - Mindful Listening.  Mindful listening is i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.y. important, and is something we should practice quite a bit.  If you did not absorb all of the information in that section, you might want to go back and review it.

Have you ever wondered why in a lot of your communication classes the instructor covers the idea of listening in some respect?  It is because listening is 'the other half of communication'.  It is imperative that we mindfully listen when someone else speaks.  Whether it is a friend, family member, acquaintance, professor, etc...  they are communicating something.  Wouldn't it be great if we all tried active listening a bit more with the folks we come in contact with in our lives?


Thanks folks!
The Blogging Prof.

Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 4

The World of Words

"The limits of my language mean the limits of my world." 

Ludwig Wittgenstein

Key Concepts in this chapter:
abstract
ambiguous
arbitrary
communication rules
constitutive rules
hate speech
I-language
Indexing
Linguistic determinism
loaded language
punctuation
regulative rules
speech community
static evaluation
symbols
totalizing
you-language



I. The Symbolic Nature of Language. 

I wish I could say it better than your text, but Julia T. Wood does a great job of explaining words as symbols.  She says, "Words are symbols, which are arbitrary, ambiguous, abstract representations of other phenomena.  For instance, your name is a symbol that represents you.  House is a symbol that stands for a particular kind of building.  Love is a symbol that represents certain intense feelings.  All language is symbolic, not not all symbols are language."

Under this section, it is important to read through the Qulaities of Symbols, as noted in Figure 4.1 in your text (p. 95).

          A. Arbitrariness: there is no natural connection between the symbol and what it represents so at any point in time, the symbol or what it represents could change.

          B. Ambiguity: because we have unique individual experiences; there is a range of meanings on which most members of a culture agree.

          C. Abstraction: we do not touch the symbols we use the same way we may touch the things (e.g., a chair or computer) they represent.



II. Principles of Verbal Communication

A. Because language and culture reflect each other, we learn a set of values, perspectives, and beliefs when we learn to speak or read.

B. The Meaning of Language are Subjective - Because there are no single definitions for symbols, we must interpret them in the context of the present interaction to attach meaning, which is often subjective.

C. Language Use is Rule-Guided - Communication rules help us develop shared understandings of what is happening in a particular interaction and which is appropriate.

     1. Regulative Rules help us manage the when, how, where and with whom we talk about certain things.

     2. Constitutive Rules define what messages mean in a particular situation by specifying how to count or interpret specific kinds of communication.

D. Punctuation creates outer limits for what constitutes the beginning and ending of an interpersonal interaction.

III. Symbolic Abilities

"Our ability to use symbols allows us to live in a world of ideas and meanings.  Instead of just reacting to our concrete environments, we think about them and sometimes transform them.  Philosophers of language have identified five ways that symbolic abilities affect our lives (Cassirer, 1994; Langer, 1953, 1979)."

A. Language shapes perception.  We use symbols to define experiences, people, relationships, feelings, and thoughts.

B. Language evaluates.  Language is value laden and not neutral.

C. Language organizes perceptions. Symbols help us organize information and perceptions into categories so that we do not have to remember every aspect of every person, object, and event we encounter.

D. Language Allows Hypothetical Thought.

E. Language allows self-reflection.



IV. Speech Communities

"A speech community exists when people share norms about how to use talk and what purpose it serves (Labov, 1972)." ......... "Speech communities arise out of social locations - that is, people who share a social location tend to develop shared understandings of communication.  Members of speech communities share perspectives on communication that outsiders do not have.  This is one of the reasons why misunderstandings often arise between members of different social groups."

***Do not think of 'social location' as 'physical location'.  Read through this idea in your text.

A. Gender Speech Communities

1. From a young age, men and women are socialized into specific gender speech communities.

2. Women tend to be more expressive and relationship-focused. Men tend to be more instrumental and competitive.

3. Because of the differences between gender speech communities, there are some common misunderstandings that occur.



V. Guidelines for Improving Verbal Communication

A. Engaging in dual perspective, or recognizing the other’s viewpoint, asks us to create and interpret messages with both our view and the other’s view in mind.

B.  Recognize that starting sentences with “I” instead of “You” leads us to take responsibility for thoughts and feelings as well as describe rather than blame others.

C. Respecting what others say about their thoughts and feelings allows us to confirm rather than disconfirm them as people and helps us engage in dual perspective.

D. Be aware of levels of abstraction because symbols are arbitrary, ambiguous, and abstract, we need to find ways to make our communication more accurate and make it as concrete as is necessary for the situation at hand.



Personal Note:  I understand that I'm giving just a brief overview of this chapter in my "Instructor Wrap-Ups".  However, I must admit, I absolutely LOVE this text.  It is personable, relatable and ultimately, informative.  When choosing this text before the semester began, I immediately connected with the material and the way the author presented information.  It is an incredibly easy read, and very easy to understand.  Please do not replace reading the text with my "Instructor Wrap-Ups".  Make sure you thoroughly read through the text in order to get the most out of this class.

 

Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Communication and Personal Identity

"To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self."  

Soren Kierkegaard

Key Concepts in this chapter:

anxious-resistance attachment style

attachment styles

direct definition

dismissive attachment style

downers

ego boundaries

fearful attachment style

generalized other

identity scripts

Johari Window

perspective of the generalized other

Particular others

reflected appraisal

secure attachment style

self

self-disclosure

self-fulfilling prophecy

self-sabotage

significant others

social comparison

uppers

vultures

Chapter 2 starts out by discussing the 'Self'.  What is the Self?
*According to your text, the self is a complicated, multidimensional process.  The Self arises in communication with others. We develop notions of who we are and aren’t because of our interactions with others from the time we are born until the time we die.

* We need to choose settings and people who will help us achieve our goals.
     -Uppers
     -Downers
     -Vultures
     -Self-Fulfilling Prophesy 


*Parents or primary care givers communicate who we are by how they interact with us, or their attachment styles.
     -Secure attachment style
     -Fearful attachment style
     -Dismissive attachment style
     -Anxious/Ambivalent attachment style (also known as Preoccupied)

*The generalized other reflects the views that others in society generally hold.

*The Self is Multi-Dimensional: There are many different ways we view our selves, including physical, emotional, social, and moral selves. Because it involves a process, the self develops over the course of time.



*Page 56 then goes on to explain some Guidelines for Improving Self-Concept. Within this section, "self-disclosure" is discussed, as it something called the Johari Window (Figure 2.3, pg. 57).

The Johari Window is what drew me into the field of communication in the first place.  Kinda geeky, huh?  ;)


But honestly, how cool is the Johari Window?  There are 4 quadrants (taken directly from your text):
1). Open, or public, information is know both to us and to others.  Your name, height, major, and tastes in music probably are open information that you share easily with others.
2). The blind area contains information that others know about us but we don't know about ourselves.  For example, others may see that we are insecure even though we think we've hidden that well.  Others may also recognize needs or feelings that we haven't acknowledged to ourselves.
3). Hidden information is what we know about ourselves but choose not to reveal to most others.  You might not tell many people about your vulnerabilities or about traumas in your past because you consider this private information.  
4). The unknown area is made up of information about ourselves that neither we nor others know.  This consists of your untapped resources, your untried talents, and your reactions to experiences you've never had.  You don't know how you will manage a crisis until you've been in one, and you can't tell what kind of parent you would be unless you've had a child.


There are many many websites dedicated to the Johari Window.  I would encourage you to do a simple google search about this concept, and see what interesting things you can find.


REMINDER:  Check out the "Helpful Links" page at the top to see a list of helpful links to each chapter.  As of today, Chapters 1 and 2 have been updated. 

Instructor Wrap Up - Wood Chapter 1

Every week or so, I will post an Instructor Wrap-Up about the material covered during that week.  Last week we covered Chapter 1 in Woods text, which covered the following ideas:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:
1). Physical Needs
2). Safety and Protection Needs
3). Belongingness Needs
4). Self-Esteem Needs
5). Self-Actualization Needs

Models of Interpersonal Communication
1). Linear Models
2). Interactive Models
3). Transaction Models
Click HERE for more information about these models of Interpersonal Communication. 

The Chapter 1 goes onto define Interpersonal Communication - which is KEY in your understanding of this text and the subject matter contained within.  This section covered:

1.        I-It communication occurs when we treat others like objects or non-humans.

2.         I-You communication occurs when we recognize the other as a person and treat her or him based upon a social role he or she occupies.

3.         I-Thou communication occurs when we recognize and understand an individual’s unique characteristics as well as open ourselves completely to this person.

Page 21 begins a discussion about Features of Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal communication can be defined selective, systemic, unique, processual transactions that allow people to reflect and build personal knowledge of one another and create shared meanings.

            1.         Selective – responding to specific receiver(s)

            2.         Systematic – takes place within various systems

            3.         Unique – irreplaceable

            4.         Processual – ongoing, continuous process

            5.         Transactional

6.         Individual - Interpersonal communication evolves over time, is affected by our past, and influences our future.

            7.         Personal Knowledge - Because interpersonal communication is an interaction, both parties create and interpret messages, are responsible for the communication’s effectiveness, and must get to know each other personally.

            8.         Meaning Creating - Attaching meanings to the words we exchange requires knowledge of the other person and the relationship in which we are engaged.

                                  a.         Content meanings are literal or denotative. 

                                  b.         Relational meanings are the understandings we have because of the connection we have to the other person/people involved in the interaction.

Following that section, the text covers the Principles of Interpersonal Communication (page 27).

            A.        Principle 1: We cannot NOT communicate.

B.         Principle 2: Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible

C.        Principle 3: Interpersonal Communication Involves Ethical Choices

D.        Principle 4: People Construct Meanings In Interpersonal Communication

E.         Principle 5: Metacommunication Affects Meanings

F.         Principle 6: Interpersonal Communication Develops and Sustains Relationships

G.        Principle 7: Interpersonal Communication Is Not a Panacea

H.        Principle 8: Interpersonal Communication Effectiveness Can Be Learned